If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.