If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic