If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS