If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
☠️☠️☠️
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind