if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
My life in a nutshell
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.