If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
You Might Also Like
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Social Media and Real life
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡