if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
*praying for world peace*
God:
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!