@TheAndrewNadeau

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

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@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@primawesome

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

@awkwardphilippe

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

@aveuaskew

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

@Jandalize

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

@bonehugsnirony

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

@joejwest

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

@Cheeseboy22

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

@Matt_The_1st

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

@disco_bird

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.