If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over