If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.