If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
#oldknees
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad