@IndecisiveJones

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

You Might Also Like

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@StellaGMaddox

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@rsf788

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@WorkaholicsQ

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

@Tetley6969

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.