If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*