If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Can’t stop laughing
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.