“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Stop being racist to kettles.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face