If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.