if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget