If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
a god among men
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
All excellent questions
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG