if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I have a black belt in leather
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.