If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’m an avid indoorsman.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM