If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
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My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*skinny dips into black hole
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly