If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
You Might Also Like
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes