If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”