If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
You Might Also Like
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.