If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing