If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Watermelon Boss!
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket