If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
reminder