If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.