Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

I told my vodka about you.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M