If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies