If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
#catsoftwitter
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
don’t be scared
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.