If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.