if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You Might Also Like
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
choose your fighter
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Breaking news:
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Peter Parker Peter Driver