If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I think about this a lot
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.