if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though