if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.