If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
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Home is where your toilet is.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone