If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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jesus, what did this guy do
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
PLOT TWIST:
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?