If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
You Might Also Like
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*