If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there