@HomeProbably People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
@AngieDavisHaha If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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@HomeProbably 
@longwall26 “Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
@Brentweets You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
@tastefactory *picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
@bingowings14 I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
@Y2SHAF kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
@GrantTanaka teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
@GirrlGenius If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
@SirEviscerate How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
@meganamram I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant