@AngieDavisHaha

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

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@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@Brentweets

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

@tastefactory

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

@Y2SHAF

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

@GrantTanaka

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

@GirrlGenius

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.