if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”
Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
You’ll be OK
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.