if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Huge”.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but