If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
December birthdays be like…
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.