If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
hey, alexa
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.