If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.