If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
you gotta be faster
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?