If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Hmm, not sure about this change
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.