If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers