If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Just had my nails done!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers