If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.