If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
cat vs inanimate object
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics