Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I can’t believe how different life was before
Al Gore invented the Internet
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.