@TheBoydP

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

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@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

@thetobbie

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

@Tbone7219

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@PeaceInTruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@TheIronSherk

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

@Storminika

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

@noog

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.