“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Don’t tell me what to do
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.